Matt Northcott's Match Report
Where last week was like Nick Wall's sex life this week was just good old foreplay:
quick, ferocious and exciting but ultimately finishing with a happy ending.
The day started with some cultured conversation. Topics such as Brexit, the refugee crisis or the Presidential debate could have been on the agenda. However, feminine products, drugs and ladies of the night led proceedings. Debutant Tom Starkey made his first valuable contribution to the team by informing us that Holland's ladies of the night are actually very attractive.
So the game began. We were fired up from the pre-game music, including Aqua's Barbie Girl. However, When the Going Gets Tough could've been more applicable given our form. We started well and tried to stop Leicester coming on our backs. This worked for about ten minutes. However, Leicester kept up their hard penetration and pounded away. Eventually they managed to sneak in behind and come up with a big finish to take the lead.
Another 10 minutes went by and Leicester were cleaning up their D well, leaving us floundering in a sticky patch. They hit us with another firm thrust of pressure and scored again.
Then the big turning point of the match came. I took an elbow to the face! It must have been because I was the wrong the type of brown but this kind of savagery had only previously been read about in North Korean concentration camps. A ten minute yellow was issued (although it seemed like I might be destined for an early shower sandwich) for my reaction - trying to bate him in to throwing the first punch by pushing him repeatedly. I imagine it looked an Umpa Lumpa trying to put Willy Wonka in his place.
As I took a seat and started to look for and gather my toys that were well and truly out the pram, we started to play hockey. We managed to win two short corners and both were scored by Tom Harrison, the second on the stroke of half time.
The second half began cagily. After Ali Raza told us we were all he needed and that it was better we said nothing at all to the umpires at half time, I returned to the action calmly and had an instant impact cutting out a CB pass and playing the ball to Luke Kent who won a corner. The first attempt failed but with the second James Clapham managed to fudge the ball over the line. His lack of dab threatened to cloud what was starting to become a good day for us. Nobody was angry, just disappointed...
We were dominant from this point on, showing Leicester that finishing first can be a bad thing (life lesson lads). Finally, a fourth goal came after the elusive simple city was finally found. The team had argued for weeks that this was an old Pakistani wives' tale Ali Raza had created. Many maps and sat navs had been consulted with little proof of its existence. However, we stumbled across it with a lovely move down the right, ending with myself squaring it to George Bayliss to tap in on the back post.
The game finished 4-2 with the Sils gaining their first win in 8 months and first at home for almost exactly a year. All present were hoping to get an interview with the Sils players and hoping for a picture of you for their bedroom wall. Dreams do come true!
MoM: Tom Harrison
Reason: the captain takes precedent over fat *unicorns* in the case of a tie.
DoD: Matt Northcott
Reason: using an opposition player to push himself backwards across the pitch... repeatedly.