Sils Old Ancients 3 Sutton Pirates 1

Sils Old Ancients 3 Sutton Pirates 1
(report expertly penned by Naked Mat)

On a warm muggy, yet strangely dim evening the Sils Old Ancients arrived at the formidable Silhillian Stadium for an 8pm fixture. With many of the team arriving promptly after the published start it was an eclectic collection that would not strike fear into the weakest of foes. Fourteen men eventually gathered and after thwacking the odd ball into the net declared themselves prepared and fit for purpose. Remy Vodka took charge in the absence of long term injured Ranger Spiky, after cajoling the players into a formidable formation and relegating late arrivals and unfortunates to the bench, the team assembled. Anchorite thanking Remy for his decision having been one of the first to arrive on his human powered machine, the effort seemed wasted and his dismay was clearly felt as the lights went out on his carriage.

Wow what a start, the Old Ancients were possessed, it was clear that the energy saved was coursing through the narrow arteries of the team and the hockey on display was of the highest standard, Anchorite zapped down the wing like Icarus in flight, riding tackle after tackle fishing for the final ball but it was not to be the attacks just melted away as the final ball never came.

Surely however the pressure would tell and what a moment it was, the ball was worked into the D and after a frenzy of activity it fell to Dick Thurman who in the absence of Agars Man scored with an audacious chip into the top corner, the umpire and keeper looked amazed, normally one would have to travel to Brazil to see such skill.

It was not long before the lead was doubled, the pirates defence was run ragged with a swift flowing move, the Pirates looked Naked. Mat buried the ball with a strong flick into the bottom right hand corner of the goal.

The tide was clearly in the Ancients favour and the game ebbed and flowed, as wave after wave of Ancients advanced on the Pirates defence, surely they could finally sink the opposition but despite the Gold Guillotine moving to a starboard position the Ancients couldn't strike home the advantage and the Pirates parried the advances.

Prior to battle commencing the umpire Jim Silversmith had laid down the law but Agars Man cannot have been present as the ruling of no overhead collection was ignored in a fine display of skill by Anchorite, who reached up towards the clouds to bring down a raised ball with such skill and aplomb that many were in awe, what must this man have been capable of before he fell into a garlic fuelled haze of abuse and age. He truly was an inspiring signing and the Austrians must be kicking themselves for releasing him at such low cost from the festering dungeon where he was found.

Grayer Wren played, he looked like a Silver Fox with a hamstring injury, the ball was worked to him, he found himself with time, space and only the keeper to beat . Kapow ! He struck, but wait, nothing happened, was there a fault with his equipment? No it appears as he swung with such force and power, he had over stretched and somehow totally missed the ball. Ire Ump took pity and let him try again, it was pointless, the advantage lost the Pirates repelled the borders and play commenced with a hit.

Half time saw Remy Vodka pay tribute to the troops but there was a caveat, comments were made that the team was not performing as he knew they could, the ball must be treated with respect, caressed, not whacked around and constantly fired as if from a canon.

The second half began and it was clear the blood was thickening in the narrow arteries, the pace slowed but Gold Guillotine looked inspired, had he been at the rum rations? He was fearless for several minutes but then the fuel ran out. However one should not Mock. Epinephrine coursed through the field constantly probing from his left mid field position, reluctant to remove himself from the field of play for the unfortunates at the side.

The Ancients were Keen, Hostile in their approach and Skelton Hie finally won the Ancients their first short corner with cunning, turning inside to place the ball onto a Pirates foot in a deft delicate move. Epinephrine pushed out but even his ingenuity and prowess could not stop a cataclysmic break down.

The stress showed but then wait, Anchorite was away, coming out of the hole like a cork out of a bottle, Frodo could not have moved this fast, Gandalf Grey was in awe, he beat one, two, then unbelievably chipped the keeper and yes scored off the post, wait, why no celebration, tragedy, in the confusion Anchorite Alzheimer had scored in his own net.

The Pirates were revived and proceeded to attack from port and starboard but Salivas Biddy ensured they couldn’t dribble through and despite some concerning moments the Ancients formidable barrier held firm.

Finally the Ancients put the game beyond reach, Anchorite missed but Shame Spent fired a broadside sealing a 3-1 victory and ensuring that the Pirates sailed home with nothing to show for their valiant defence.