Which is longer ? The Match or the Report ? You Decide

Life is an education(history lesson) and a Quiz - a re-write of the classic play "Pads kickers and the missing balls" by yogi shakespeake.

Please note: the following is going to be written in Yogi Shakespeake as well as in normal English. The reason is that in the report there are many many references to characters from all of Shakespeares plays. Some are the actual character names , others are a play on words of the character names. The internet is a good source of a list of all of the characters... So The quiz is that if you can name all of characters mentioned in the report and the plays they were in the first person with them all or the one with the most will win a great prize from me)

ENGLISH

buoyed by the potential presence of a particular Sam (who plundered 4 out of 7 goals in our only win thus far way back before Xmas), I was shocked and disappointed to see a distinct lack of the said man with 2 first names ( i always said to "never trust a man with 2 first names"... Arun Yogi being the very classic case of this!! - see definitions ) .

instead just like at Farm Foods and well known supermarket chain stores of the like, we got a buy one get one free, 2 for the price of 1... as I thought I was seeing a ghost in front of me, "the 3rd apparition" i hear you say... as up front , instead of the man with 2 names was indeed Titus Andrew Rushicus and behind him the return of the prodigal son Timon or Simonides Russell though it is with irony that it was his progeny that has been the ever present in this side and so i should be saying return of the prodigal father!!). Anyway it was a delight to see them back in the fold to add the much needed legs that we require in this league (all we got to work on now is Willetts junior,Bates motel and young Frank now!!). We also welcomed another couple of familiar names and faces that have played occasionally for us in Jake Johnstone, John Scott (another man with 2 first names) and Ian Wilson (yet another man with 2 first names especially if you are American!), and finally how can we forget Daniel Bridges (yet another 2 first names possibility!! - but moreso "the quiet but smiling Assassin" - does he ever stop smiling?!). This lack of "legs" and extra bodies to substitute on and off the pitch has so far this year been part of our Achilles heel!

so to the game ... Cicero , the website hosting the Old Sils hockey information , did indeed highlight the fact that the game was to be played at a venue in Hamlet in Arden that was possibly nearer to the opposition than it was to us and we were supposed to be at home!

Anyway after seeing the deluge of snow during the lunchtime period I was sure the game would be off. I was awaiting a potential buyer of my Saab as I had my eyes set on an Octavia. However despite our normal home pitch having snow on that would indeed have been a cancellation I was told that the game was indeed still on at this alternative pitch.

Hastily arriving (after selling the car) i saw an abundance of Octavias in the car park but I arrived at the pitch just in time to start. Luckily for me that the result was not affected otherwise the oration from the General every week about the need for "arriving and having enough time for a good chat and warm up" would have been appropriate and i would have had a self declared fine for said tardiness. As it was the first thing that was said to me was "Juno what time it is?, we can't do without a keeper and we haven't got a second keeper?" with digits pointing to the wrist to which i replied "have patience my friends all will be fine, I just sold my car and I had to deposit the money in the Banquo!!"

So , the pre-match chat and advice consisted of the usual 3 disciplines of shape purpose and discipline added to which we said we would attempt to attack down the verges and make sure we would not keep going down the lieutenant side too much and to make sure we carried out the last motto well , we said we would not repeat the offences of the previous week and do impressions of Old Gobbo as we could not risk getting more Othyello cards again!

At the start of the game , I thought we had done well to be playing as the pitch in Hamlet in Arden was showing no signs of any snow. It was however cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey (i never knew the origins of this phrase hence see definitions for help), so much so, that the usually brave Russell progeny ,who is hard as nails, was desdemoaning after an early tackle. I thought it was because of a tackle by the opposition giant but actually it was because his hands were so cold (bless him!!). A quick shout to the sides from me and on came the able and willing replacement Ian Wilson who whenever and wherever he was asked to play , did an admirable job of closing down the opposition (probably his finest for the 4's).

At this point I must say that whilst I have not got to the end of the report the substitution management this week was excellent and everyone who came on made a difference in their new position or certainly did not let anyone down. It certainly was better than we normally manage to do. So whoever was managing the substitutions very well done!!!

So the game continued and it was immediately obvious that the game was going to be a much closer affair than the 8 nil drubbing we had taken earlier in the season

The weather did indeed have its say as one of the criticisms from opposition when we play at the graveyard shift hour at our normal venue is the slippery nature of the pitch. This pitch was however no different as I could see several people finding it difficult to keep their feet near the verges amongst a lot of misplaced passes. At one point I did shout "make sure you have good Agrippa on your boots" and you would have been forgiven if we had been playing the less skillful game of hockey from North America played with a puck!!

Within the first 10 minutes of the game it was obvious that after the debacle of the previous week's game , we had blown away the cobwebs and with the line-up boosted by the extra players and the extra "legs" we were going to be a good match for the opposition. Our defence was well marshalled by Steve Aylin who did not miss a reverse stick tackle (AGAIN) and Mr Betteridge had a very solid game throughout and when they had to "take one for the team" they both did so in order to ensure that a clear path through on goal was not possible. That said when any short corner did occur , the runners 1 and 2 were always out fast enough to ensure the hit into goal was not possible and when it was possible the postmen (like Mike not Pat!) did their jobs sufficiently enough so as not to concede when on average we have been shipping one or 2 goals most weeks in that fashion.

On the verges at the back right El Capitano General Dave was getting acclimatised to his new position and his highlight was coming across when we were short in the middle to half volley a bouncing ball away to the left corner flag cricket style and the flourish of his umpires arm waving was a joy to behold!. And then we have the progeny Russell who epitomised his "though shall not pass by me" attitude on the left verge with some telling blocks but the best of which was at the top of the D when he dived full length off the ground to stop the ball (when Steve was already going to stop it... but hey!!)

In the middle the General was indeed Simonides Russell who ensured a level of control that we have been so lacking and he was ably supported by the equally solid John Scott. That experience was added to by John o Gaunt Harrison who put in a typical battling performance this time without Othyello cards though he did have a running commentary going with the someone from the sidelines who was desdemoaning that he had left his elbow in on his boy who was playing to which John did reply "don't be a silius, I'm calling you a Lear" and a swift response of "i'll punch your lights out if you do it again" was forthcoming !!!!!. That level of experience was well balanced as also in the middle when required were the excellent and youthful Jake Johnstone who was simply magnificent this week, both in effort and end product and as was Ian as and when he came on and off .

So the front 3. Willetts senior played his heart out but to no avail. His usual quota of "did not get off the ground" Ariels and when he did get in front of goal this week unfortunately he had Feeble attempts as he MacDuffed his shot every time. The Silent Assassin Bridges had his usual quota of reverse stick attempted shots and passes but he was the catalyst to most of our goals. Having given the ball away firstly to the opposition defender , he robbed him of it (admittedly with a blatant back stick, that the umpire did not see , when i saw it from 65 yards away) and a pass through to Titus Andrew Rushicus who cooly took his time to bypass the last defender and goal keeper to put us in front.

The 2nd goal was an excellent one too in that we controlled the ball all the way from back to front along the Lieutenant side and Daniel collected it near the left verges touchline and turned back on himself to beat the oncoming defender to make the telling pass towards the penalty "out damned" spot where the aforementioned Andrew Rushicus again managed to get it into the corner to make it 2-0.

The cry at that time was that we needed to defend properly for 5 minutes but sadly we allowed the opposition to run a long way without tackles on our Lieutenant side and a Stratford midfielder who must have been twice as tall as Charlie managed to square the ball across the D where a youthful teammate greatfully accepted the gift. The large Juggernaut that is me ( Yogi) could not turn and get across quick enough and on this occasion none of the defenders could get me out of Gaoler and so the half time score was 2-1 in our favour.

During that break the chat was that of a quick start and indeed but 2 minutes into the action a great ball down the right verges from Dave to John resulted in another couple of passes (yes 4!!) before finding its way into the D where Andrew Rushicus was not going to be denied and the ball hit the backboard after the goalkeeper had denied the eager forward twice . The score was therefore now 3-1 . Such was it a team effort all the way that even at the end of the game , the ever modest Dustin Johnson lookalike, father-to-be, did not even know that he had scored yet another hat trick!!.

We knew at that point that Stratford would not lie down and would come again and indeed they did and some resolute defending from everyone kept them out. On 3 occasions Yogi made several "Paris" to the side or over (one destined for the top corner) and it looked like the "defending from the front" attitude was working but as we expected on one occasion, their best player by far, broke through a few tackles on the half way line and breached our defence and came down our right and into the D. Yogi gave him the eyes and made himself big ("not difficult" i hear you say) but it was in vain as a rising flick flew into the top of the net whistling past the gap between the right shoulder pad and the helmet. To this, Yogi's reply to the forwards was a big thanks to which the attacker took offence and asked why thanks and the reply was "cos you just game me a title... Duke of Chance and Norfolk" or something like that !!

Although that was 10 minutes before the end , the team realised the importance of not conceding again and 10 minutes later Quentin did indeed blow the whistle for full time and a 3-2 win was achieved.

At the end it was all agreed that everyone were "Eros" and no Man of the Match was awarded at the time especially as the scorer of all 3 goals was not even aware he had scored them all! but rightfully so he did get the award but it was agreed that whilst everyone had played above their station there were some sterling performances especially from the likes of youngsters or non-regular members Jake,Daniel,Charlie,Ian and Keith!!

Unfortunately whilst the comment had been made by the writer of this piece in the preview that there were a lesser number now going for a drink at the Sils after every match regardless of the results , it was somewhat of an irony that Yogi (on this 1 occasion!) could not indeed attend the said celebrations as he had already arranged to go out for Mead and a Messala dish at the local Indian restaurant elsewhere!

Thanks for your attention and lets look forward to giving Worcester a better game than we did last time, provided we don't end up with any injuries at the local Infirmary!!

SHAKESPEAKE

buoyed by the potential presence of a particular Sam (who plundered 4 out of 7 goals in our only winneth thus far way back ere Xmas), I wast shocked and disappointed to see a distinct want of the hath said sir with 2 first names ( I at each moment hath said to "never trust a sir with 2 first names"... Arun Yogi being the very classic case of this!! - see definitions ).

instead just like at Farm Foods and well known supermarket chain stores of the like, we got a buyeth one receiveth one free, 2 for the price of 1... as I bethought I wast seeing a ghost in front of me, "the 3rd apparition" i heareth thee sayeth... as up front, instead of the sir with 2 names wast forsooth Titus Andrew Rushicus and behind that gent the returneth of the prodigal son Timon or Simonides Russell though tis with irony that twas his progeny that hath been the ever present in this side and so i should beest saying returneth of the prodigal father!! ). concluded, be it twas a delight to see those folk back in the fold to add the much needed legs that we require in this league (all we got to worketh on now is Willetts junior, Bates motel and young Frank now!! ). We eke welcomed another couple of familiar names and faces that has't hath played occasionally for us in Jake Johnstone, John Scott (another sir with 2 first names) and Ian Wilson (yet another sir with 2 first names especially if 't be true thee art American! ), and finally how can we forget Daniel Bridges (yet another 2 first names possibility!! - but moreso "the quiet but smiling Assassin" - doest that gent ever cease smiling?! ). This want of "legs" and extra bodies to substitute on and off the pitch hath so far this year been part of our Achilles heel!

so to the game... Cicero, the website hosting the fusty Sils hockey information, didst forsooth highlight the fact that the game wast to beest hath played at a venue in Hamlet in Arden that wast possibly nearer to the opposition than twas to us and we wast supposed to beest at home!

concluded, be it after seeing the deluge of snow during the lunchtime period I wast sure the game would beest off. I wast awaiting a potential buyer of mine Saab as I hadst mine eyes setteth on an Octavia. However despite our normal home pitch having snow on that would forsooth has't been a cancellation I wast toldeth that the game wast forsooth still on at this alternative pitch.

Hastily arriving (after selling the car) i saw an abundance of Octavias in the car park but I arrived at the pitch just in time to start. Luckily for me that the result wast not affected otherwise the oration from the General every week about the needeth for "arriving and having enough time for a valorous chat and warm up" would has't been appropriate and i would has't hadst a self declared fine for hath said tardiness. As twas the first thing that wast hath said to me wast "Juno what time tis?, we can't doth without a keeper and we haven't got a second keeper? " with digits pointing to the wrist to which i replied "have patience mine friends all wilt beest fine, I just hath sold mine car and I hadst to deposit the wage in the Banquo!! "

So, the pre-match chat and advice consisted of the usual 3 disciplines of shape purpose and discipline added to which we hath said we would attempt to attack down the verges and maketh sure we would not keepeth going down the lieutenant side too much and to maketh sure we hath carried out the last motto well, we hath said we would not repeat the offences of the previous week and doth impressions of fusty Gobbo as we could not risk getting more Othyello cards again!

At the start of the game, I bethought we hadst done well to beest playing as the pitch in Hamlet in Arden wast showing no signs of any snow. twas however cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey (i nev'r kneweth the origins of this phrase hence see definitions for help), so much so, that the usually brave Russell progeny, who is hard as nails, wast desdemoaning after an early tackle. I bethought twas because of a tackle by the opposition giant but actually twas because his hands wast so cold (bless that gent!! ). A quick shout to the sides from me and on cameth the able and willing replacement Ian Wilson who whenever and wherever that gent wast hath asked to playeth, didst an admirable job of closing down the opposition (probably his finest for the 4's).

At this point I must sayeth that whilst I has't not got to the end of the report the substitution management this week wast excellent and everyone who cameth on madeth a difference in their new position or forsooth didst not alloweth anyone down. t forsooth wast better than we normally manage to doth. So whoever wast managing the substitutions very well done!!!

So the game hath continued and twas immediately obvious that the game wast going to beest a much closer affair than the 8 nil drubbing we hadst taken earlier in the season

The weather didst forsooth has't its sayeth as one of the criticisms from opposition at which hour we playeth at the graveyard shift hour at our normal venue is the slippery nature of the pitch. This pitch wast however no different as I could see several people finding t difficult to keepeth their feet near the verges amongst a gross amount of misplaced passeth. At one point I didst shout "make sure thou has't valorous Agrippa on thy boots" and thee would has't been forgiven if 't be true we hadst been playing the less skillful game of hockey from North America hath played with a puck!!

Within the first 10 minutes of the game twas obvious that after the debacle of the previous week's game, we hadst blown hence the cobwebs and with the line-up boosted by the extra players and the extra "legs" we wast going to beest a valorous match for the opposition. Our defence wast well marshalled by Steve Aylin who didst not miss a reverse stick tackle (AGAIN) and Mr Betteridge hadst a very solid game throughout and at which hour those gents hadst to "take one for the team" those gents both didst so in order to ensure that a clear path through on goal wast not possible. That hath said at which hour any short corner didst occur, the runners 1 and 2 wast at each moment out fast enough to ensure the hitteth into goal wast not possible and at which hour twas possible the postmen (like Mike not Pat! ) didst their jobs sufficiently enough so as not to concede at which hour on average we has't been shipping one or 2 goals most weeks in that fashion.

On the verges at the back right El Capitano General Dave wast getting acclimatised to his new position and his highlight wast coming across at which hour we wast short in the middle to half volley a bouncing ball hence to the hath left corner flag cricket style and the flourish of his umpires armeth waving wast a joy to behold!. And then we has't the progeny Russell who epitomised his "though shalt not passeth by me" attitude on the hath left verge with some telling blocks but the best of which wast at the top of the D at which hour that gent dived full length off the ground to cease the ball (when Steve wast already going to cease t... but ho!! )

In the middle the General wast forsooth Simonides Russell who ensured a level of control that we has't been so lacking and that gent wast ably hath supported by the equally solid John Scott. That experience wast added to by John o Gaunt Harrison who putteth in a typical battling performance this time without Othyello cards though that gent didst has't a running commentary going with the someone from the sidelines who wast desdemoaning that that gent hadst hath left his elbow in on his knave who wast playing to which John didst reply "don't beest a silius, lest I calling thee a Lear" and a swift response of "i'll punch thy lights out if 't be true thee do't again" wast forthcoming!!!!!. That level of experience wast well balanced as eke in the midlle at which hour required wast the excellent and youthful Jake Johnstone who wast simply magnificent this week, both in effort and end product and as wast Ian as and at which hour that gent cameth on and off.

So the front 3. Willetts senior hath played his heart out but to no avail. His usual quota of "did not receiveth off the ground" Ariels and at which hour that gent didst receiveth in front of goal this week unfortunately that gent hadst Feeble attempts as that gent MacDuffed his shot every time. The Silent Assassin Bridges hadst his usual quota of reverse stick attempted shots and passeth but that gent wast the catalyst to most of our goals. Having given the ball hence firstly to the opposition defender, that gent robbed that gent of t (admittedly with a blatant back stick, that the umpire didst not see, at which hour i saw t from 65 yards away) and a passeth through to Titus Andrew Rushicus who cooly tooketh his time to bypass the last defender and goal keeper to putteth us in front.

The 2nd goal wast an excellent one too in that we controlled the ball all the way from back to front along the Lieutenant side and Daniel collected t near the hath left verges touchline and turned back on himself to beat the oncoming defender to maketh the telling passeth towards the penalty "out damned" spot whither the aforementioned Andrew Rushicus again managed to receiveth t into the corner to maketh t 2-0.

The cry at that time wast that we needed to defend properly for 5 minutes but sadly we allowed the opposition to runneth a long way without tackles on our Lieutenant side and a Stratford midfielder who must has't been twice as tall as Charlie managed to square the ball across the D whither a youthful teammate greatfully accepted the gift. The large Juggernaut that is me ( Yogi) could not turn and receiveth across quick enough and on this occasion none of the defenders could receiveth me out of Gaoler and so the half time score wast 2-1 in our favour.

During that breaketh the chat wast that of a quick start and forsooth but 2 minutes into the action a most wondrous ball down the right verges from Dave to John resulted in another couple of passeth (yes 4!! ) ere finding its way into the D whither Andrew Rushicus wast not going to beest denied and the ball hitteth the backboard after the goalkeeper hadst denied the eager forward twice. The score wast therefore now 3-1. Such wast t a team effort all the way that coequal at the end of the game, the ever modest Dustin Johnson lookalike, father-to-be, didst not coequal knoweth that that gent hadst scored yet another hat trick!!.

We kneweth at that point that Stratford would not forswear down and would cometh again and forsooth those gents didst and some resolute defending from everyone hath kept those folk out. On 3 occasions Yogi madeth several "Paris" to the side or ov'r (one destined for the top corner) and t looked like the "defending from the front" attitude wast working but as we expected on one occasion, their best common-kissing hedge-pig by far, hath broken through a few tackles on the half way line and breached our defence and cameth down our right and into the D. Yogi gaveth that gent the eyes and madeth himself big ("not difficult" i heareth thee say) but twas in vain as a rising flick flew into the top of the net whistling past the gap between the right shoulder pad and the helmet. To this, Yogi's reply to the forwards wast a big grant you mercy to which the attacker tooketh offence and hath asked wherefore grant you mercy and the reply wast "cos thee just game me a title... Duke of Chance and Norfolk" or something like that!!

Although that wast 10 minutes ere the end , the team realised the importance of not conceding again and 10 minutes anon Quentin didst forsooth blow the whistle for full time and a 3-2 winneth wast achieved.

At the end twas all concurred that everyone wast "Eros" and no sir of the Match wast awarded at the time especially as the scorer of all 3 goals wast not coequal aware that gent hadst scored those folk all! but rightfully so that gent didst receiveth the award but twas concurred that whilst everyone hadst hath played above their station thither wast some sterling performances especially from the likes of youngsters or non-regular members Jake, Daniel, Charlie, Ian and Keith!!

Unfortunately whilst the comment hadst been madeth by the writer of this piece in the preview that thither wast a lesser number now going for a drinketh at the Sils after every match without intention of the results, twas somewhat of an irony that Yogi (on this 1 occasion! ) could not forsooth attend the hath said celebrations as that gent hadst already arranged to wend out for Mead and a Messala dish at the local Indian restaurant elsewhere!

grant you mercy for thy attention and alloweth behold forward to giving Worcester a better game than we didst last time, provided we don't end up with any injuries at the local Infirmary!!

Definitions 1: Joel Hodgson used the phrase, "Never trust a man with two first names, especially if one of them's a woman's" in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 lampooning The Legend of Dinosaurs (Kyôryuu: Kaichô no densetsu).

In my mind, it likely means something along the line of "Someone with 2 first names may be hiding something, or may be doing something morally dubious if different people know them by different names"(implying the name might be due to multiple identities).

Definitions 2: Cold as brass monkeys ...The story goes that cannonballs used to be stored aboard ship in piles, on a brass frame or tray called a 'monkey'. In very cold weather the brass would contract, spilling the cannonballs: hence very cold weather is 'cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey'. There are several problems with this story, as follows:

the term 'monkey' is not otherwise recorded as the name for such an object

the rate of contraction of brass in cold temperatures is unlikely to be fast enough to cause the reputed effect

the phrase is actually first recorded as 'freeze the tail off a brass monkey', which removes any essential connection with balls.

It therefore seems most likely that the phrase is simply a humorous reference to the fact that metal figures will become very cold to the touch in cold weather.

Definitions 3: The 'Out, damned spot' speech occurs in Act 5, Scene 1 of Macbeth and reveals Lady Macbeth's subconscious feelings and helps to illustrate some of the themes, motifs, and symbols of the play. In this scene, we find Lady Macbeth sleepwalking through the castle, hallucinating and rubbing her hands together as if she is washing them.

She says:

Out, damned spot! out, I say! - One: two: why, then, 'tis time to do't. - Hell is murky! - Fie, my lord, fie! a soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? - Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?

Definition 4: common-kissing hedge-pig is shakespeake translation for "best player"... don't ask me why!!